I don't know if I could have done something differently... Or if I should have...
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There are these two contradictory theories...
The first one suggests that people end up matched with mates of equal "value", let us call it “mate value". The other one defines the parties of a relationship as a “reacher” and a “settler” - one person "reaches" for someone who's out of their league and the other person "settles" for someone below theirs.
I don't understand why people usually ask "which theory is the right one"... I thing there is not a right and a wrong theory in this case - there are different people who feel good in different types of relationships. I would roughly simplify it like this: on the one side, there are these people who always want to get the best they can ("reachers") and these other people who love the feeling of being superior in a way ("settlers"); on the other side, there are the ones who simply need a "soul mate", a.k.a. their equal.
Which "type of mate" are you?
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I love myself! All people around me admire me for being able to love myself that much instead of concentrating on the "things I can not do" or the "good things I am not", a.k.a. my weaknesses...
However, everyone, even the bravest, have their moments of uncontrolable fear. Similarly, even the most self-confident and nonchalant people may feel "not good enough" in a particular situation... or with a particular person.
Yes, you get the direction this is going to - it is another sad love story. A story including lots of stupidity, fear, darkness and half-hearted dedication to oneself. Truth is, the story is not even worth telling; the actions of the main female character (guess who that ist) are rather to be buried in a coffin and not ever be let in this world to be repeated. I have nothing left, but to hope that this scenario is never to be seen in a parallel universe other than this one. So, let us ignore the awful story itself and concentrate on its dilemma...
What is the right thing to do, when...
...you love someone you admire - how can you tell if it is love or admiration? Can you confuse the one with the other? Or is it one and the same? If not, do both go hand by hand?
...you love someone you would love to be like - how can you feel good enough for him/her? How to be sure that you have something to give him/her? How to be sure you are able to make him/her better the way he/she makes you better?
And does a relationship with someone like that make you the "settler", or can one feel like this about her/his "equal"?
I'd never faced that much self-doubt in my life before and... I am not sure if I could realy be happy under a preasure of this kind. There is much in the way, many reasons to "not feel good enough". And even if I know that the other person has his own weaknesses and would probably not care for most of mine... At the end it comes to one difficult question: "What do I care for?".
Don't get it wrong - I still love myself regardless of everything. However, I hate feeling inferior to another person! Is it the lack of barbie dress-up games in my childhood, or my f***ing zodiac sign that always wants to be The King of the Jungle... or is it just me looking for excuses to not let go and simply be?
Anyway... I don't believe I could feel good while playing the role of a "reacher". The "settler"-role is not really mine, either. I have tried playing that role in my previous relationships and this did not work... So... where is that equal of mine, the one with the same "mate value"?? Or maybe I already met him and let him go... maybe it is not him overestimating my "mate value", but me underestimating mine or even overestimating his... due to my admiration to this man's being?? But here again - is it the "real value" that counts, or the "percieved"? Love and admiration, such a difficult thing, such a thin line, so confusing...
Ah, forget it... I do not even know what the point of this writing is.... It is simply the only thing I feel able to do right now - writing analytical nonsense, and trying to somehow justify my actions... actions that led to me feeling self-pitty for cowardly rejecting one of the most wonderful people that life was so good to confront me with...
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And yet... I still don't know if I could really have done something differently... Or if I should have.
