The bad choices we make for good reasons... or how to prepare the best dinner for two with human meat in souce of sweet chilli and tears

"Chaos is not simply disorder."

This is the generic truth behind the famous Chaos Theory introduced by the meteorologist and mathematician Edward Lorenz.

Although infinitely interesting, this theory is not the purpose of my writing today. It plays another role - it's my excuse for the chaotic energy storm of emotions and impressions that I am going to try to express. You can't really follow? Don't worry, is not simply a disorder (or at least that's what I'd love to believe). At the end, all parts should connect and make sense.

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Once (upon a time), I met a guy who was kind enought to selflessly act to protect other people (and by other people I mean the following amazing trio: me, myself and I... Halo!). So far so good... even kind of ordinary... I mean, this is not some unbelieveable exception... The history knows many cases of people trying to protect other people, especially people they love and truly care about; sometimes even people who have never taken a real breath yet - imagine a pregnant woman who choses to give her unborn child a chance to have a life in a case where her own breathing body has to be offered to the Grim Reaper instead. Amazing! People do selfless acts all the time - small acts, big acts, bigger acts, huge acts... If you search for examples, not only in movies and great historical events, but also in your own life: your friends' and family's actions, your own good deeds, you will without a doubt find many of them... So many examples that you could even believe for a second that words like "egoism" don't need to exist at all (enjoy this misguided second to the fullest, because this is the longest you can stay in a beautiful illusion like that).

However, this post is not really about selfless acts, either. And here comes the time to disappoint you - it is a "story" about love, being afraid of, and being hurt by it. I guess I lost you there, did I? Boring topic... I know!  But I promise you - there is something more to it. There is something about that protecting act of that guy I met. Something that made me think about the motivation behind it. The question "Why?" A question I personally hate to ask myself, because it gives me the insomnia every single time...

Now let me tell you about the act itself. Long story short: this guy and me have had (let's wrongly call it) "a little something" for a couple of days, and he got the idea I was falling in love with him, and warned me about his I-just-wanna-have-fun intentions. I know what you think now:

"Oh, a guy gets laid and then tries to get rid of the girl. Classic! Boring..."

No, this was not the case. As a matter of fact, it was exactly the opposite - a guy risked missing a sure opportunity to get laid in order to spare a girl from being hurt. Well... I guess he is not the only guy in the world to ever do something like that! I can even imagine there are lots (well... not as many as women would love to). And as such an act is against man's nature, I asked myself that insomnia-giving-question I already told you about: WHY did he do it?

"I would hate to hurt you," he said, "I feel your emotional involvement growing, and, although I enjoy spending time with you very much, you need to take care of yourself and maybe stop this before you sink any deeper in it. I don't want to be someone that causes somebody pain."

Sweet, isn't it?? As human as humanly possible!

Truth is, I wasn't even that emotionally involved as he thought, but this is another matter. How the story went on after him being so nice and honest is also another matter. However, we are getting closer and closer to the point of my writing.

Here are three, at first sight, simple questions.: Why would I want to do as he suggested? Why would he think I would prefer that? Why would somebody at all prefer to run away scared and miss having some fun, having a good time? 

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~ Pain ~

All of us know pain. The most of us have felt their heart being ripped out of their chest, than sliced in little pieces with a blunt knife, and put back in, struggling to become whole again. Yet, suffering makes us human.

~ Love ~

All of us know love. The most of us have felt their heart being gently removed from their chest, than delightfully sliced in two, and only half of it put back in, yet, reluctant to get the other half back and become whole again. Loving and being loved makes us human.

~ Love & Pain ~

Newly, I read that the emotional pain of a broken heart is believed to be a survival instinct - as social animals by nature, human beings need a natural encouragement system, the pain system, to work for maintaining their close social relationships. If a relationship is lost, pain is caused. "Wow, great idea!" I thought back then, "Nature, you are the best!"

However, after that guy tried to protect me from falling in love and feeling emotional pain, I found a paradox caused by this natural instinct. It does not only motivate you to not lose a social relationship - it often scares you to involve in one! What's more, it makes you lose more time in played-out relationships, and prevents you from finding new more-fulfilling ones... For most people, getting the other half of their magically sliced heart back or giving somebody else's half back to him/her is one of the most scary things. So scary, that they would give up a beautiful chance to feel love simply out of fear to feel (or cause) pain... Well done, Nature! What a bloody instinct you created there!

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Are you one of those people? People that would miss enjoyable, probably life-changing experiences simply because they are scared? Do you wanna be one of them? Let yourself be guided by the potential pain of potential losses? (The Hellenic Stoics would probably think less of you if you said "Yes.")

Suffering is a part of our lifes, and not just any part, but the one that makes us who we are. As sweet as the protecting act of that guy I met was, there are so many situations where we don't need protection. We need to ourselves get many enriching experiences, without being afraid of what could come after that. However, don't get me wrong. I am definetely not telling you: "Hey, live recklessly, search for pain and be a brave stoic, so you can get stronger!" No.

I'm simply telling you to change your attitude towards pain. To allow youself to live without fear. To miss no opportunity in your life. This could spare you many regrets.

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Imagine there is something bigger than you that you need to prepare for. Imagine that every step of your existence is leading you to things like achieving your purpose in life or the fulfilling of your biggest dream. Following this train of thoughts, imagine that every failed relationship you had is there preparing you for the meeting with your biggest love. When he/she comes, wouldn't you want to be ready for him/her?

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Don't run away from a chance to fall in love, but embrace all the experience you can get. Well... if you do so, you will definitely get hurt now and than, and you will definitely cause pain to others. However, when you do get hurt by love, don't lose yourself in suffering. How to do that? In order to really explain this, I would need a huge new post dedicated to describing an organic way of thinking, the positive thinking (comming soon, btw). Anyway, here is a quick suggestion - don't think about a past relationship as an end of something. Think of it as of means to prepare, think of it as of a lesson. Get yourself inspired by it! Feel the way this relationship changed you, enriched you. Realize the mistakes you've made and would hate to make when "the real one" comes knocking on your door. Because "the one" will not come unless you are ready. Because "the one" is not simply a brave prince or a beautiful princess who came out of a story-tail and gave you the chills... "The one" could, indeed, be exactly like this, but, above all, he/she is "the person with whom you manage to do things right". And doing everything right is hardly happening intuitively.

Here are two major groups of things you could learn from a failed relationships. They could help you "do things right" next time and live up to meet Him/Her.

1. Learn about yourself and others:

• what is essencial for your own happiness
• what kind of person you want to be and how to get there
• how to show yourself to others, to allow them to get to know that person
• how to better understand others' needs, worries, desires
• how to...

2. Learn about relationships:

• how to build a stable relationship based on fairness and open communication
• how to have your freedom in a relationship without harming this relationsip
• how to not let your passion for eachother die without a fight
• how to help eachother be your-imperfect-perfect-selves together and be happy even with the "imperfect" part
• how to grow together, so your ways don't go in different directions some day soon
• how to...

The last point is, in a sense, the most important one. The moment you manage to do this, to grow together with another person, could be the moment you start "doing everything right". This person could instantly turn into "the one". To make this idea clearer I need to go back to an older post of mine.

Some time ago I wrote about my doubt in the existence of "the one" person that perfectly fits you and can satisfy your essencial needs forever. This doubt was based on the idea that "the one" for you is like a "bucket of seasonal flowers" - changing with every change of the weather inside you.
"So there is no such thing like 'for always and forever'," I thought, "New saison, new flowers."

I'm happy to tell you that my believes have slightly changed. Although I still believe in that "seasonal" factor, I now have hope that this factor is not unbeatable... The bucket may be different every season, but you could learn to control the weather and to grow different flowers on the same place, with the same person. You could learn to change together with the person next to you. You could learn from experience.

So, thank you, sweet carrying guy, but for this to work out for me I need to NOT take care of myself, but risk selling some entry tickets to my world to (un)wanted guests like pain. Because every single person sent by the universe to my chaotic world, even for a day or two, is there for a reason.

In order to be worth my while, you don't need to be "the one", it's enough to be "the one to teach me 'that thing' you are meant to".