How 5/10 makes us happier than 9/10

Human existence used to be so much simpler... You were born in a family of farmers, your future was to become a farmer. It was your time to get married, your family arranged a suiting partner for you. You did't need to (or you were not even allowed to) make your own choices.

 

For us, "modern people", this sounds aweful! What's with free will, right?
 

But isn't the freedom to choose a bit overrated?

 

Just think about this - how often have you regretted making the "wrong" choice? Now think harder! Try to remember a situation where you had two equally good options, which would have made you feel equally happy, let's say 8-out-of-10-happy. However, after you made up you mind, the resulting outcome only made you 6-out-of-10-happy, simply because you coulnd't stop thinking about the beauty of this other option you didn't choose. Simply because you had doubts about the rightness of your decision!

(The instinct to overappreciate) 

So yes, the freedom to choose is sometimes overrated.

 

In such a situation, having had someone else to decide for you or having had only one option at the first place would have allowed you to get your 8-out-of-10, because you wouldn't have had any regrets about a missed opportunity.

When we don't have a choice, we tend to be happier with what we got. We tend to accept and even overappreciate our uncontrollable destiny. Overappreciating is an instinct. A beautiful one! One that protects us from feeling unsatisfied when we don't manage to end up in our most desired life-scenario. I mean, really! When something doesn't go as planed, don't you always find a way to convince yourself: "Well... I didn't really want this that much!", or "what I have is not necessarily less than what I tried to get"? Well... I do this! It is very probably a lie we tell ourselves, but as long as it makes us happier, our instincts make us believe in it.

 

(Less options, less use of conditional tense)

Often, the more options we have in our life, the unhappier we are! It is, indeed, counterintuitive, but it works exactly like that.

 

I am smart, I am talented, everybody likes me. I have all the chances a person could possibly have. I could become an astronaut, a genetic scientist, a writer, a singer! I could spend the rest of my life with the wonderful girl/guy I met today, or with the one I met yesterday - they all want me! This means I could be the happiest person in the whole world, because I could achieve everything I desire! 

 

Yes, nice... So far so good!

 

However, I only have 24 hors a day, 7 days a weak, 365.25 days a year. I couldn't possibly do everything I am good at and have interest in! I couldn't have romantic realtionships with all these people I consider sexy and worthy, either (well... maybe I could, but this is a topic for another time). 

So, how do I take my pick? And, above all, how do I prevent myself from letting the thoughts of the options I didn't pick drag my happiness down to a lower number on my 1-to-10-scale? 

What do I get from having many talents, when I could never take advantage of them all? They rather stay in my way to simply being perfectly happy with where I am. Because they tempt me to question myself: "What could my life have looked like, had I studied physics instead of economics, or had I spend more time with that other girl/guy instead with the one I am with now".

 

Truth is, it doesn't really matter what we choose. I strongly belive, that people could be happy with every outcome in their lifes, which also means with every choice they make. Just think about yourself! Your choices are, above all, your choices, so you surely had a reason to make them! Therefore, the resulting outcome itself would deffinetely bear many desired goods and experiences for you, a.k.a. should make you feel satisfied. Only if that stupid "what-could-have-been"-question did't arise now and than!

 

Less options, less use of conditional tense, less regrets, more enjoying myself! So... I would love to be the child of a farmer and marry a nice guy from the next village as arranged by my parents!

 

(Bounded vs. unbounded)

 

If our options were bounded, if somebody else or the circumstances took our choice for us, we would be fine and happy with the result, because we would know we couldn't possibly have ended on a different place... We accept, we adapt, we are satisfied. It sounds odd, but it's the way it works!
 

This bounded/unbounded thing really matters!
 

Let's take me for example. I left my homeland alone at the age of 19. It may sound like a choice of mine, but it wasn't really. The facts are - if I wanted to study, I had to leave Bulgaria (why so is not of importance right now). And, as I desired to study, staying home was not an option. So I moved to Germany. Although I offen miss my homeland and can very good imagine the wonderful things that would have been different in my life had I chosen to stay, I don't really have any regrets for leaving it. Exactly the opposite -  I really love it where I am now!
 

My hands were bounded, so I accepted it, and learned to be happy with it pretty fast.
 

However, my options were unbounded regarding what to study in that foreign country. And I could (and still can) imagine myself in so many differend fields! I had a choice. I made a choice. The really annoying thing is - I am actually not at all unhappy with what I'm doing now, but I often continue asking myself about all the other possibilities, anyway! I would have being way happier if I hadn't had these other talents I could have chosen to pursue. Because the picture of me being a wise psychologist, a theoretical physicist, or, with a bit of luck, a famous diva causes me doubts. And these doubts used to cost me like -2 points of my general satisfaction... until I realized how stupid that was!
 

These bloody doubts only exist in situations where our options are unbounded.

 

(The paradox of happiness)

 

So what worth are many 9-out-of-10-options that transform eachother into 7-point-ones due to doubts? While a simple 5-points-option, on the other hand, could instinctively turn into a 8-points-one just because it is the only one available and we add artificial points to it by learning to love it...

 

You can see that, like all other instincts, the instinct to overappreciate is also a paradoxical one - it often makes us feel happier when we have less than when we have more; when we don't have our free will, than when we are free to make our own choices.

 

I bet married farmers are the happiest man on earth! I could never be one, as I live in a world full of options. However, there is no such thing like a wrong choice of mine, so I refuse to allow any meaningless doubts to ruin my 10-out-of-10-satisfaction with my beautiful life!

You will lose a lot... but it is worth it!

Do you consider yourself a good person? Why?

Have you hurt people in ways that could have been avoided rather simply?

Are you really good, or are you willing to be good, but lack the self-devotion?

I believe there are many people who want to consider themelves pure, compassionate, carrying and fair to other people; to judge them for who they are instead of what they look like.

However, not so many manage to achieve this, as there are many obstacles up that road.

(Brainwashed to be bad)

Your whole life, society tells you to "have your goals and do whatever needed to achieve them". Didn't your own parents also encourage you to do so? We watch movies where cold-blooded men in suits run over everyone on their way to their desired political control and power... and we love these movies... and we even wish to be as passionate as these men are while persuing our own dreams! (Kind regards to all fans of House of cards.) So we are told it is OK to be selfish and unfair in the name of our achievements... Is it really?!

We are also told in multiple ways how important price tags, labels, make-up and a pretty hair-cut are when we choose our friends and lovers. The more hours invested in styling, the better! And the sources of such ideas are not simply television and magazines. Think of the fairy-tails your parents read to you as a little child. Don't they describe beautiful princes and princesses in gorgeous clothes, or pirates fighting each other over gold and shining gems? Would the prince have kisses the sleeping beauty if she were ugly or had some yummy pimples on her face? Would the Beauty have given the scary Beast a chance if he hadn't threatened her father's life?

So... don't blame yourself too hard for not being a perfectly (or at all a) good person. It's not only your fault, you've been (let's exaggerate it) brainwashed to be bad and superficial since early childhood. This is just the world we live in - a world mainly controled by the wrong values: money, power, fame and superfecies.

(The failed attempt to create goodness)

In this world, searching for real goodness, often, seems utopian. And we love searching for utopian things, don't we? So let's search for goodness. And if we can't find it inside of us, why don't try and create it somewhere else? Why don't try and create a unicorn?

The unicorn - white color, cloven hooves of a goat, tail of a lion, size comparable to a horse, and a single pointed, spiraling horn projecting from its forehead. This mystical creature is known as the most pure and innocent thing to (n)ever exist.

As much as it hurts me to say this... this magnificent creatures are a myth. However, science loves the idea of their existence almost as much as I do!

A group of genetic engineers, for example, tried to create a unicorn-similar animal, possessing all typical attributes, except the horn. Another group of scientists managed to genetically modify a goat to have a single spiraling horn in the middle instead of two separate ones.

Well... not so bad, but... is this the best we can? Are we failing to be good and fair to each other exactly the way scientists failed giving birth to a good, innocent creature like the unicorn?

I think we are, indeed, failing... But I believe we could do way better! I think we want to be way better! Why else would we try to create the pure unicorn instead of the monsterous minotaur??

What scince gets wrong is - we don't need to artificially create the unicorn. We are all born unicorns. We just need to feed on the right grass and drink water from the right well.

(The heavy life of the unicorn)

Truth is, many people would love to, but simply don't manage to be good. They have their good intentions, but don't have the guts to carry them through... 

Because, in order to be a human version of a unicorn, you need a devotion as hard as concrete. You need to be convinced that you want to be a good person above everything else - above your other wishes and desires, above your other goals, above the cravings of your body, or your plans for the future. Because being good to other people is impossible without self-sacrifice. 

You need the courage to lose a lot... And the belief that it's worth it!

For this reason, people are so easily brainwashed to be bad - being bad is easier, as you don't need to resist a temptation. You can yield to it, enjoy it, and not feel guilty about it. You can follow your passion for an engaged man, have sex with him, and convince yourself it's not your job to worry about the feelings of his girlfriend. You can copy the great business idea of a friend, make an excuse using words like "business" and "competition", and have peace with yourself. You could even be one of the men in the suits that run people over to get more power. In other words - when you are capable to achieve things you desire, you achieve them by all means, and get your temporary happiness.

A good person, on the oder side, will, often, not get everything he/she desires, although he/she has the means to easily do so. Imagine having exactly what you want only a hand away, but not allowing yourself to reach out. Because, for you to have your happy moment, somebody will get unfairly hurt.

This leads us to the most fundamental principal! In order to be good, you need to, above all, be eager to not do evil.

One of the strongest weapons in this fight with yourself is the ability to put yourself in somebody elses shoes - a weapon that most people seemingly don't master. Learning to do this - to live out of compassion rather than from selfish motivation - would help you be better to others and spare them unnecessary suffering. But only if you can, in addition, control your actions even against your inner wishes.

So again - you will lose a lot... But it's worth it!

As you can probably sense, goodness is an awfully difficult quest.  A quest that requires not only good intentions, but also sound understanding for others feelings, care about these feelings (altruism) above your own desires, and an exceptionally strong power of mind. 

(Getting where you need to be)

So why?? Why would you chose to devote yourself to being like this?! Why would you miss so many things, or be an obstacle in your own way to the top? Why would you voluntarily lose a lot... and what worth is it? These are the most important question here, and, as important and difficult usually go hand by hand, the most difficult ones.

I am sorry to disappoint you that I don't have your answer for you. Your motivation for a challenging lifestyle like this could only come from deep inside you. So think for yourself: what would you get out of being good?

If your first thought is 'Nothing!', than you just wasted your time reading, and you should better go back to chasing your fancy dreams, just as society tells you to.

However, if you can think of at least one reason, than I can promise you something. Whenever you choose goodness despite of missing pleasure, money, power or a happy feeling, at first sight, you will lose something... But it is worth it! Because in exchange for your sacrifice, you will find the way to a place where your spirit will fly higher than your body or mind could ever get... where the wrong values of our world don't play a role... where materialistic goals won't even cross your mind... where happiness and satisfaction are more than just pretty moments...

And I don't mean heaven or a bullshit like that! And you don't have to die first to be able to reach that place. It exists right here, in this very life.

For me, personally, it is one of the most fulfilling things to look in the mirror after a long and heavy day, to remember everything that happened, and to be able to smile to my reflexion, nod, and whisper to her: "yes, girl, you did the right thing! Your unicorn is there. Trust it and it will lead you exactly where you need to be."

(A little takeaway for nerds)

And at the end, for everyone who loves mystical creatures at least half as much as I do, remember this:
a unicorn will only show itself to you and allow you to ride it if you are a "maiden who gave birth to an elf strong enough to make an elven weapon for transforming goblins into bait for catching bogles".

Positive thinking about the past... or how to use darkness to get to the light

This is a post:

• about holes and pain
• about finding the right hole
• about getting in and out of holes
• and, whatever you may think so far, not at all about anything physical.

Now let's start with some physics (Did I really say it wasn't physical? Basically, everything is, one way or another.) as background knowledge:

• black hole - don't let the name fool you: a black hole isn't really a hole. It's a one-way empty space which can only be entered from the outside and from each no matter or light can escape;
• white hole - a hypothetical region of spacetime that cannot be entered from the outside, although matter and light can escape from it. It's the reverse of a black hole. 

It has been suggested that black holes end their lives by transforming into white holes, which eject the information that has been sucked into the black hole. This theory may not have being astronomically or physically proven yet. However, metaphorically speaking, the idea behind this exists in every human being's life. How?

...

How often have you being in a situation that makes you want to go through all these steps:

1. scream "why the f***?!" so loudly that everyone goes deaf from the sound of your voice;
2. cry an ocean so big that the whole planet sinks in it, killing the world as you know it;
3. hit that ocean so powerfully that your fist manages to go through the water, reach the bottom, and make a hole in the planet Earth leading straight to space;
4. get swallowed by the emptiness of a black whole, relieved by the knowledge that there is no coming back from this one-way tunnel and hoping that the existence of white wholes is not simply a part of some nerdy physicist's imagination;
5. eventually get poured out of a white hole, preferably light-years away from your point of origin.

I know these steps sound awful, but, sometimes, this is exactly what you need to get away from wherever-it-is-you-don't-wanna-be-anymore. Because letting yourself get sucked into the darkest hole, often, is the only way to find the ascending white light you're craving for.

...

Have you ever tried looking through elbow macaroni? I have, as a kid, and it was difficult to see anything but darkness through them. Unfortunately, life gives you glasses made of elbow macaroni, sometimes. What do you do then? Speaking of holes, which one is usually the one you find shelter in when life gets macaroni-complicated?

~ Pink hole ~

Nothing bad has happened. Well, I know something happened, something that should cause me pain. But I choose to ignore everything I dislike, everything hurtful, everything black. Why am I talking at all?! Life is there for me to live, not to think. I'll put my pink glasses on and go to a wild party. I won't even get drunk - as I said, nothing bad has happened.

~ Green hole ~

Something bad happened to me, but I am going to remain calm. Painful things happen to people all the time. It's nobody's fault, there isn't a greater reason. It's how life is. I need to accept this and learn to be happy despite of it, enjoy life. I'll make myself a cup of tea. Some biscuits would go good with it - should I go for chocolate or normal ones?

~ Yellow hole ~

Something very bad happened to me. And this is nothing new... I don't even ask myself "Why?" anymore. Bad things simply happen to me all the time, no matter what I do! I hate this life... A life written on the lines of my palm. I will go lie on the couch and wait for destiny to finally give me something I desire.

~ Violet hole ~

I know something bad happened, but... How did it happen? Why was this done to me? I don't wanna know. It's definitely not my fault, anyway, as I did everything right... What happened hurts me, but the mysterious actions of others are out of my control, so I need to just move on. I'll go meet some friends, share with them how unfair other people were to me, discuss the future.

I'm sure you can already see that all these colorful holes suck. I guess you could also think of other colors, which could join the list. However, you schould agree that we wasted enough time on dead-end-holes. So, let's take a look at the holes with "cosmic meaning".

~ Black hole ~

Something very bad happened. My whole world has come crushing down over me, and I can see nothing but Grim in my crystal ball. I can't ask myself questions about what's happened, because it hurts so much, as I know I did everything in my life wrong and there is no going back, there is no going forward, either. I'll go to a bar, alone, and drink 'till I forget... everything... If I get lucky, a wild animal will find me, drunk and sleeping somewhere on the street, and have my powerless body for late dinner.

Prima facie, this hole sounds way worse than the others. Total darkness. However, it is the right start on the way to "ascention" - no unnecessary joyful or calming colors there, no blaming other people or higher powers, no ignoring. Accept, suffer, acknowledge.

~ Between a black and a white whole ~

I know I'm on a bad place and I don't understand how or why I got here, yet. Anyway, I know it's for a good reason, and I am trying to understand it. I know I've made mistakes, but I know I am only responsible for my own actions and not for everything. I am determined to learn and not repeat the same shit again, as I know that my life is, primarily, in my own hands. I am going to see a movie with a friend, after that I'll go to bed and read a book 'till I fall asleep... I hope to get some ideas on how to change my situation.

~ White hole ~

I am on (the way to) a place where I wanna be. I have piece with myself. I improve(d) myself. I am ready to enjoy life... again... And continue learning. *please insert whatever makes you happy here*

...

Here is a truth - I am a huge fan of the concept of positive thinking, but I have never read about it myself so far, and I wouldn't read about it anytime soon. Because I feel my version of it, I sense it's mechanism, I see it working for me.

My mom, on the other hand, has read lots about it, recently, and has tried to "teach" me stuff. Rather unnecessary, as it somehow comes natural to me in my own way.

The reason I share this boring mother-doughter-story is to excuse my lack of information about what exactly is referred to as "positive thinking". From what my mother has told me (while I, only halfhearted, listened to her) and from a movie I once saw, called "The secret", the popular teachings are mainly focused on the future. The idea is: imagine your dreams coming true in your mind and feel them happening in your heart - if you do so, you will definitely achieve everything you want, because the universe will sense your positive energy and mirror it back to you. The universe will make things happen.

I don't really disagree with this idea, except one thing. Not the universe, but you... you are the one who gathers (postive/negative) energy from your (positive/negative) thoughts; you make things happen. The universe, God, or whatever power there is, is there rather to protect you, to guide you, to organize things that arn't in your power, when you do your best with everything else that does depend on you... However, this is just how I feel.

So, what was I saying... I was stating the rather future orientation of the concept of positive thinking. My "holes classification", on the other side, indirectly describes my perception of how positive thinking may also be exercised on the past. Positive thinking about the past is what helps you navigate from black to white. And it's nothing more and nothing less than the "right" (positive) attitude towards bad things happening in your life.

Bad things are not:

• to be ignored (pink)
• simply happening without a reason (green)
• there because life sucks, destiny is a bitch and you - a powerless marionette (yellow)
• an indecipherable mystery or somebody else's fault (violet)
• only your fault and, not at all, the end of the world (black)

They are:

• something to learn from (black to white).
• something to help you get where you have to be (white).

Bad things could even be there to protect you from something way worse that could have happenend instead. To illustrate this in a simple way - imagine your train was late and you missed your flight for a trip with your loved one... A journey the both of you had planed for months, investing so much money, heart and energy, to a place you wanted to visit your whole life. How would you feel? Angry, sad, wronged? Now imagine yourself going back home, still feeling all these emotions. You sit down on your couch, turn on the TV, and hear on the news that a plane has just crushed. Your plane. No survivors. Is you missing the flight still bad?

I know, this is an extreme example. However, if you think about "bad things" that have happened to you and what would have been different in your life if they hadn't... Are they all really bad??

...

A week ago my boyfriend and me broke up. Boyfriend is a word not powerful enough for what we had... This end felt like the most painful thing for me, althought I was the one to initiate it. For him it was even worse, so I probably can't even imagine the magnitude of pain he felt... Anyway, as hard as it was, I now know it did us both well. It changed me. It changed him even more. And I was so impressed by the change in him...!
It went like that: first, I saw him getting sucked into the violet hole, second, into the yellow one, third, into the black one. Than, we had a "chat" about all mistakes the both us had made in our relationship, and, as sad as this sounds, we probably learned more about eachother in this one night than in the last year of our three-and-a-half-years-long relationship. Only a couple of days later, I saw him do the most impressing things... And he did them out of motivation to prove my break-up-decision wrong... to me, but mostly to himself. At that moment, I wasn't sure if I wanted to grab him back or if I wished I had broken up with him sooner to motivate him be this better self earlier. He lost a lover, but he got a better version of himself in exchange. How did he achieve it? He accepted the bad side of what happened. He thought things through and learned a lesson. He chose to concentrate on the good things that could come out of his loss. At the end, this is just another example why "bad" isn't only bad. Because:

• when handled the raight way, pain can give you real strenght;
• proving somebody, who caused you pain, wrong can be a powerful source of motivation;
• your own experience and the power of admitting your own mistakes are what made you be;
• and, as a main ingridient, positive thinking (about your future as well as your past) is what helps you improve the person you are.

What's more, positive thinking about past events can reduce the pain caused by them. Don't get the wrong idea: acknowledging and feeling your pain is crutial - if you don't - it will eat your stomach and spil out your insides all over you. However, while you're hurting, try to ask the right questions. Know that the positive side of each and every unwanted thing in your life is certainly there! If you can't see that right away, you surely will sometime in the future. And knowing that... why would you suffer so deeply from something caring a positive change in your life? Why would you suffer from missing your flight and vacation when this "bad thing" saved your life? This way of thinking, this infinite quest for searching the positive side of everything, won't take the pain away (and it shouldn't!) but should help you reduce it, above all by shortening the lifetime of your black holes and allowing their transformation into white ones.

...

Know, that something spilled out of a white hole is an improved version of the matter originally sucked into the black one... Because the spiritual road between a black and a white hole is build out of elbow macaroni. So, a matter that successfully went up this dark macaroni-road had to learn to cook them, break them, transform them... find some way to fight them, using a wooden spoon, some cooking water, and it's bear hands or usung the beautiful power of its mind: master some psychokinetic abilities, maybe even learn to levitate.
When you are that matter in the hole - don't let the macaroni-circumstances hide the light from you. Think positively, transform a black hole into a white one, and you will come out of it as a better version of yourself.

Believe in the existence of white holes. 

Don't be afraid of black holes.

Black is the strict father of white.

The bad choices we make for good reasons... or how to prepare the best dinner for two with human meat in souce of sweet chilli and tears

"Chaos is not simply disorder."

This is the generic truth behind the famous Chaos Theory introduced by the meteorologist and mathematician Edward Lorenz.

Although infinitely interesting, this theory is not the purpose of my writing today. It plays another role - it's my excuse for the chaotic energy storm of emotions and impressions that I am going to try to express. You can't really follow? Don't worry, is not simply a disorder (or at least that's what I'd love to believe). At the end, all parts should connect and make sense.

...

Once (upon a time), I met a guy who was kind enought to selflessly act to protect other people (and by other people I mean the following amazing trio: me, myself and I... Halo!). So far so good... even kind of ordinary... I mean, this is not some unbelieveable exception... The history knows many cases of people trying to protect other people, especially people they love and truly care about; sometimes even people who have never taken a real breath yet - imagine a pregnant woman who choses to give her unborn child a chance to have a life in a case where her own breathing body has to be offered to the Grim Reaper instead. Amazing! People do selfless acts all the time - small acts, big acts, bigger acts, huge acts... If you search for examples, not only in movies and great historical events, but also in your own life: your friends' and family's actions, your own good deeds, you will without a doubt find many of them... So many examples that you could even believe for a second that words like "egoism" don't need to exist at all (enjoy this misguided second to the fullest, because this is the longest you can stay in a beautiful illusion like that).

However, this post is not really about selfless acts, either. And here comes the time to disappoint you - it is a "story" about love, being afraid of, and being hurt by it. I guess I lost you there, did I? Boring topic... I know!  But I promise you - there is something more to it. There is something about that protecting act of that guy I met. Something that made me think about the motivation behind it. The question "Why?" A question I personally hate to ask myself, because it gives me the insomnia every single time...

Now let me tell you about the act itself. Long story short: this guy and me have had (let's wrongly call it) "a little something" for a couple of days, and he got the idea I was falling in love with him, and warned me about his I-just-wanna-have-fun intentions. I know what you think now:

"Oh, a guy gets laid and then tries to get rid of the girl. Classic! Boring..."

No, this was not the case. As a matter of fact, it was exactly the opposite - a guy risked missing a sure opportunity to get laid in order to spare a girl from being hurt. Well... I guess he is not the only guy in the world to ever do something like that! I can even imagine there are lots (well... not as many as women would love to). And as such an act is against man's nature, I asked myself that insomnia-giving-question I already told you about: WHY did he do it?

"I would hate to hurt you," he said, "I feel your emotional involvement growing, and, although I enjoy spending time with you very much, you need to take care of yourself and maybe stop this before you sink any deeper in it. I don't want to be someone that causes somebody pain."

Sweet, isn't it?? As human as humanly possible!

Truth is, I wasn't even that emotionally involved as he thought, but this is another matter. How the story went on after him being so nice and honest is also another matter. However, we are getting closer and closer to the point of my writing.

Here are three, at first sight, simple questions.: Why would I want to do as he suggested? Why would he think I would prefer that? Why would somebody at all prefer to run away scared and miss having some fun, having a good time? 

...

~ Pain ~

All of us know pain. The most of us have felt their heart being ripped out of their chest, than sliced in little pieces with a blunt knife, and put back in, struggling to become whole again. Yet, suffering makes us human.

~ Love ~

All of us know love. The most of us have felt their heart being gently removed from their chest, than delightfully sliced in two, and only half of it put back in, yet, reluctant to get the other half back and become whole again. Loving and being loved makes us human.

~ Love & Pain ~

Newly, I read that the emotional pain of a broken heart is believed to be a survival instinct - as social animals by nature, human beings need a natural encouragement system, the pain system, to work for maintaining their close social relationships. If a relationship is lost, pain is caused. "Wow, great idea!" I thought back then, "Nature, you are the best!"

However, after that guy tried to protect me from falling in love and feeling emotional pain, I found a paradox caused by this natural instinct. It does not only motivate you to not lose a social relationship - it often scares you to involve in one! What's more, it makes you lose more time in played-out relationships, and prevents you from finding new more-fulfilling ones... For most people, getting the other half of their magically sliced heart back or giving somebody else's half back to him/her is one of the most scary things. So scary, that they would give up a beautiful chance to feel love simply out of fear to feel (or cause) pain... Well done, Nature! What a bloody instinct you created there!

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Are you one of those people? People that would miss enjoyable, probably life-changing experiences simply because they are scared? Do you wanna be one of them? Let yourself be guided by the potential pain of potential losses? (The Hellenic Stoics would probably think less of you if you said "Yes.")

Suffering is a part of our lifes, and not just any part, but the one that makes us who we are. As sweet as the protecting act of that guy I met was, there are so many situations where we don't need protection. We need to ourselves get many enriching experiences, without being afraid of what could come after that. However, don't get me wrong. I am definetely not telling you: "Hey, live recklessly, search for pain and be a brave stoic, so you can get stronger!" No.

I'm simply telling you to change your attitude towards pain. To allow youself to live without fear. To miss no opportunity in your life. This could spare you many regrets.

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Imagine there is something bigger than you that you need to prepare for. Imagine that every step of your existence is leading you to things like achieving your purpose in life or the fulfilling of your biggest dream. Following this train of thoughts, imagine that every failed relationship you had is there preparing you for the meeting with your biggest love. When he/she comes, wouldn't you want to be ready for him/her?

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Don't run away from a chance to fall in love, but embrace all the experience you can get. Well... if you do so, you will definitely get hurt now and than, and you will definitely cause pain to others. However, when you do get hurt by love, don't lose yourself in suffering. How to do that? In order to really explain this, I would need a huge new post dedicated to describing an organic way of thinking, the positive thinking (comming soon, btw). Anyway, here is a quick suggestion - don't think about a past relationship as an end of something. Think of it as of means to prepare, think of it as of a lesson. Get yourself inspired by it! Feel the way this relationship changed you, enriched you. Realize the mistakes you've made and would hate to make when "the real one" comes knocking on your door. Because "the one" will not come unless you are ready. Because "the one" is not simply a brave prince or a beautiful princess who came out of a story-tail and gave you the chills... "The one" could, indeed, be exactly like this, but, above all, he/she is "the person with whom you manage to do things right". And doing everything right is hardly happening intuitively.

Here are two major groups of things you could learn from a failed relationships. They could help you "do things right" next time and live up to meet Him/Her.

1. Learn about yourself and others:

• what is essencial for your own happiness
• what kind of person you want to be and how to get there
• how to show yourself to others, to allow them to get to know that person
• how to better understand others' needs, worries, desires
• how to...

2. Learn about relationships:

• how to build a stable relationship based on fairness and open communication
• how to have your freedom in a relationship without harming this relationsip
• how to not let your passion for eachother die without a fight
• how to help eachother be your-imperfect-perfect-selves together and be happy even with the "imperfect" part
• how to grow together, so your ways don't go in different directions some day soon
• how to...

The last point is, in a sense, the most important one. The moment you manage to do this, to grow together with another person, could be the moment you start "doing everything right". This person could instantly turn into "the one". To make this idea clearer I need to go back to an older post of mine.

Some time ago I wrote about my doubt in the existence of "the one" person that perfectly fits you and can satisfy your essencial needs forever. This doubt was based on the idea that "the one" for you is like a "bucket of seasonal flowers" - changing with every change of the weather inside you.
"So there is no such thing like 'for always and forever'," I thought, "New saison, new flowers."

I'm happy to tell you that my believes have slightly changed. Although I still believe in that "seasonal" factor, I now have hope that this factor is not unbeatable... The bucket may be different every season, but you could learn to control the weather and to grow different flowers on the same place, with the same person. You could learn to change together with the person next to you. You could learn from experience.

So, thank you, sweet carrying guy, but for this to work out for me I need to NOT take care of myself, but risk selling some entry tickets to my world to (un)wanted guests like pain. Because every single person sent by the universe to my chaotic world, even for a day or two, is there for a reason.

In order to be worth my while, you don't need to be "the one", it's enough to be "the one to teach me 'that thing' you are meant to".